Friday, July 1, 2005

I have been going back and forth for quite sometime now with how I feel about bodybuilding....My muscularity, the extreme dieting, the extreme sacrifices....

Starting last year, when I was getting ready for the Nationals, I just felt my heart wasn't into it, at least not the way it was in prior years. I must have flip-flopped at least 15 times when I was dieting. Did I want to do the show or didn't I???? I couldn't really every convince myself that I wanted to, yet I stuck to my prep and did it. 7th place was the result.

There was a time for me back then when I looked in the mirror and I wasn't happy with the way I looked. For those of you who have ever been to my website, there is a section called transitions. Not only does it have all of my contest transitions(the week by week changes), but it has my yearly transitions....you can see how my body changed...every year from 1997 till now. And you know what...I was looking back, looking at the way I looked in 98, 99, 00....and I missed that. I missed being smaller~still muscular, but smaller. I was about 125-130 pounds back then, as opposed to being 155-160 that I was offseason now. Those were the days where I was so proud of my body, proud of the way I looked. I would wear cute little clothes to accentuate the way I looked. I would have abs all year round~there was never really a huge offseason for me. My weight would fluctuate maybe 5 pounds or so. Then I started competing. And came the offseason weight gain and post-contest rebound that, for me, would months to get rid of.

Before my bodybuilding days, I had a very very successful run in bikini contests. I was able to pay my bills by doing them....and all the while, I was training very hard. I wanted to compete in fitness, but after training with a gymnastics instructor for a year, 3 times a week, private lessons, I realized that was never to be. I was already successfully fitness modeling, working with the Michael Scott agency, and featured in Oxygen and Pump. I was also sponsored by MHP as a fitness model...then along came an opportunity. There was an early concept figure show called the Gaspari Fitness Model Search...it was the first figure show before it was really sanctioned. It was run with the 2000 NPC Suburban BBing....and I won first place, competing against about 30 girls~competitive bodybuilders, fitness girls, & normal average girls... So what then? There was no figure division even in the works. Fitness wouldn't be happening for me. So bodybuilding it was. And I did very well at it. I won the Overall at the NJ States in '01, I won the overall at the Jr. USA's in '02, and I took 2nd in the MW class at the '03 USA's....

But somewhere in between 2003 and 2004 I started losing my love for it like I said above. I flip-flopped with my motivation a few times~I had those few moments of extreme desire to do it, but then I would look in the mirror and not like what I was seeing. Sure, I love competing, but any other time during the year I wasn't really happy with the way I looked. I even had a successful run in powerlifting, where I squatted 535, benched 265, and pulled 405. I had the 13th highest squat in any powerlifting federation ever, and had the 4th best squat in 2004....but guess what...it still didn't matter. Neither did competing in Strongman. Yes, I love competing, but I need to be happy with the way I look. Happy with myself....

Why all this now? The recent "going on's" sure aren't helping. In fact, dare I use the expression "putting the nail in the coffin"??

After this whole ordeal with the Olympia being sidelined to a free show, I ask myself "Why am I making all these sacrifices, to turn pro, when there isn't even going to be a stage to compete on for pro's if things keep going the way they are?" The FBBF is a great concept, but will it work??? Who knows? Maybe it will, or maybe it won't. The future will tell. And after watching Joanna Thomas and Supersize She, I have to tell you, it really bummed me out. Plain and Simple. Unbiased. Candid. Real. It was honest, but it really just swayed me even more to not want to do this.


So what now?

I have a few choices....I will always compete, but in what is the question.

Bodybuilding?? If I do decide to step on the stage this year, it will be as a middleweight. I will weigh in under 125. And if I do, it may be my last show. I will have to see how I feel when I am there. I will have to see if competing on the bodybuilding stage does for me what it used to. Maybe I will be happier with myself under 125, and then if that is the case, I can live with the sacrifices. Or maybe it won't.

Maybe I will follow in the footsteps of Cathy Priest and Lisa Bickles and just switch over to figure. Or maybe not. I just don't know right now. I wish there was a little more substance to figure like there is over in Europe, but if this is the way it is here, I guess I will have to live with that. Whether or not I will like it will be determined when the time comes. If the time comes.

I am being very open and honest with you all.... This whole state of affairs in female bodybuilding has really gotten to me. To see something so many work so hard for and make so many sacrifices for to be tossed to the sidelines like it is just trash makes me really sad.

I will keep you updated as I make my decisions.
Thanks for reading.

Heather Lee